By: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi

E-mail: info@pastortaiwoodubiyi.org.uk

“I met him through a friend about three months ago, and we seemed to hit it off well. He’s a Christian like me and I really like him. For about two weeks, we called each other. He would call me and I would call him. Then I suddenly realised that he had stopped calling me, and I was the one doing all the calling and text messaging. The first time I asked him about it,he said he was busy at work. About ten days after, I brought it up again because I didn’t see any noticeable change. I made him know how I felt, I told him I was concerned and that in a normal relationship,we should be calling each other. He said he knew that. There hasn’t been any change, and I don’t believe his excuse about being busy. I’m also busy but I create time for him. I haven’t been in touch with him for a week now, and he has not called me. What do you think is wrong?Why does he not call me?” (Bi)

Why does he not call me?

This is one of the questions I’m often asked. A lady meets a man, likes him, they begin to see each other but soon, the man cools off and she discovers she’s the only one doing all the calling him and running around, although when she calls him, he’s nice and pleasant. And maybe she visits him sometimes in the office. When she complains, he tells her he’s very busy. The lady begins to wonder what is the problem is. She can’t figure him out. Upset and a little confused, she makes excuses for him – yes,he must be very busy … too busy to call me. Soon, the lame excuses for his actions give way to real concern – Why does he not call me?What is going on?

Too busy to call you, for weeks?And you are in a relationship, going steady? Excuse me! Or maybe you met him recently. Well, the same thing applies, if he likes you, he will call you. If he doesn’t look for you, then he doesn’t care enough. And take this from me, ladies, you deserve better than a man who cannot take a minute to call you and say hello. And men, this relationship principle works both ways. If a lady does not care about you, you are better off without her.

What is going on?

Well, the only thing going on is that the man is not really interested in you but he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. For many men, if they find they are not really interested in a lady after some level of friendship has been established, they don’t really want to tell her, and they may choose the easy way out by reducing contact with her. He can’t tell you but he’s showing you in his actions. He probably has another lady he’s considering or he is changing his mind about you for some reasons,but the point is that he’s not really interested in you anymore. As I mentioned in 30 things husbands do that hurt their wives, men like to pursue and win. If they want something, they know what to do and how to get it.

I have preached several times on the language of love. Love is not silent, it speaks. And when it does, you hear it clearly because it is loud enough. There’s no ambiguity. You know what love wants and where it’s going. Just as faith without works is dead, love works, and the works can be clearly seen.

As the Bible mentioned in 1 Samuel and I wrote in the novel What changed you? (The story of David and Michal), Michal loved David.

Michal was lying down, with her eyes closed. Soon, her mind went to David and she wondered where he was and what he was doing. Since the day she first saw him, she had not been able to stop thinking of him. Was she with the king, playing music for him at the camp? Or with the sheep? Or with a beautiful young lady? Since Saul and his men went to the camp more than forty days ago, David had not come to the palace.It was funny though but she missed seeing him.

She had come to realise that her feelings for David were growing daily. This thought made her smile.Repositioningherself, she wondered – Why do I like him? She began to think of the reasons. One, he was strong, yet gentle. Two, he had a smile and mannerism that did funny things to her heart which she would not be able to explain even if her life depended on it…. (excerpts from What changed you?)

Love also does not need to be taught what to do. It knows what to do, and it’s always working, thinking of how else to express itself. People around can also see and hear it. People knew that Michal loved David and they told King Saul, her father.

“Now Michal, Saul’s daughter,loved David. And they told Saul, and the thing pleased him.” (1 Samuel 18:20)

A person in love knows what to do, and if a person is not really interested in a relationship, they show it or look for excuses.

In Love on the Pulpit (one of my novels), when Mr. Dawodu told Teni about his nephew, Olamide, Teni was not interested. Mr. Dawodu’s nephew? Oh, pleaseeee!

And when Olamide called her, she told him, “Er … I’m very busy.”

“Oh, Teni, you can’t tell me you’re always busy, with never a free moment.”

“It’s hard to believe but I really don’t have a free time.” She insisted. She even told him she was in a relationship, (with Jesus!) to put him off.

He called her again after some days and she gave the same excuse.

Some weeks after, she attended a party and met a guy she liked, Dave. Dave recognised her but kept silent. When she later realised that Olamide was Dave, she was both shocked and happy. She called him in the office. And when he asked her out, she accepted immediately. No more excuses.

What to do

To answer your question, Bi,you have clearly shown this man that you really like him and would want to continue your relationship with him. You have also told him how you feel about his not calling you. And now, you have not called him for a week and he has not bothered to call you. That is not normal. Things don’t work that way. To have a healthy and balanced relationship, the two people have to care and work on it. If he doesn’t call you soon, then you have your answer – he is no longer interested in the relationship for reasons best known to him. Simple.If you’re on his mind and he really cares, he will get in touch with you, he will find a way to get in touch with you, trust me.

And don’t think you will lose him by not calling him. It doesn’t seem to me that you have him yet. Many ladies get abused, maltreated and disrespected in their relationships because they make themselves seem desperate and cheap. I tell my children, “Don’t be easy and don’t play hard to get, be hard to get!” If a man loves you enough and God is involved, he will come after you and win your love. If a man does not pursue you now or think you are worth some of his time at this level of the relationship, there is no guarantee that things will improve with time. You may hear some people say that their men were like that:they were not calling them, the men did some terrible things and probably cheated on them with other ladies but they stayed with the men and endured their ways, and with time, things improved, they got married and now they are happy. Well, I can assure you that such cases are not the norm, and that happens in probably two out of hundred cases.

Bi, you have done enough as it is:calling and doing all the work, which is one-sided. What you need to do now is wait and let him decide whether or not he wants to be with you. Meanwhile, pray and trust God for the best. If the man gets in touch with you and tells you things will improve, fine. If not, then move forward and trust God to bring another person who will love you as you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be with a man who loves and respects you, a child of God who wants to be with you and will make efforts to show it.

1. As mentioned in the novel To Love Again, avoid being alone in a bedroom or place when you can easily do what you shouldn’t do.
2. As Tolu told Bibi, another way out is for the couple to get married. Marriage is the cure for sex. Once married, sex becomes right.
   Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.
   but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. (1Corinthians 7:2,9)
3. When the lady goes to the man’s house, she should stay in the living room and as much as possible, she should not stay long.
4. They should avoid unnecessary touching and closeness that can set their feelings on fire.
5. When you are experiencing those feelings, get up and get busy. Look for something to do or go out and walk it off as Ben did in the novel ‘In Love For Us’.
6. Discuss and agree with your partner ahead of time that you will not engage in sex until you get married.
   Can two walk together, unless they are agreed? (Amos 3:3)

7. As I have said several times, there is nothing we cannot pray about. Pray and ask God to help you keep your feelings in check until you get married. Jesus advised His disciples to watch and pray so as not to fall into temptation.
    Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. (Matthew 26:41)
8. They should avoid dwelling on sex-related issues, and suggestive books, magazines and TV programmes that will arouse their passion.
9. Many people are not spiritually strong. If they will be strong in the Lord and do exploits, there will be less casualties.

By: Pastor Taiwo Iredele Odubiyi, the associate senior pastor of The Still Waters Church and the Executive President of TenderHearts Family Support Initiative, a Non-Governmental Organisation. E-mail: pastortaiwoodubiyi@yahoo.com.

Facebook: Pastor (Mrs.) Taiwo Odubiyi

Can a marriage where the woman earns more than her husband work?

Husbands used to be the sole providers for their families while the women stayed at home to take care of children and the house, and the few women who worked did so for a few hours. But in recent times, many women go to work, working their way right to the top, putting in long hours and choosing careers that would give them more money and an edge in life. As such, an increasing number of women earn as much as their spouses or even more. According to statistics, about twenty percent of wives out-earn their spouses.

A curse or a blessing?

A situation where the woman works and earns a good salary is supposed to be a blessing as more money is available to the family, but  a number of men are still uncomfortable about this. Her better income means that she will have to do more financially such as paying school fees, bills, taking care of the family’s needs and holiday trips. In some families, this big shift in responsibilities has created serious problems. It appears that a number of people still prefer the traditional role where the man supports and provides for the family and the woman takes care of the home front.

For the woman

There have been cases of wives who had become disrespectful and uncontrollable because they earned more incomes than their husbands. Of course, not all women are like this because what people do is a matter of who they are and what they believe. There are women who feel very uncomfortable or guilty for earning more, while some others have the attitude that says, ‘I’m the main bread-winner, why must I do any other thing in the house?’

There are instances where husbands no longer eat at home simply because their wives insult them every time they give them food. There are husbands who go to people outside to borrow money because they dare not ask their wives for loans or grants. A man in such a situation would go out to borrow in order to avoid insults from his wife, who sees her money as solely belonging to her. You would often hear such a wife refer to her personal belongings as ‘my money,’ ‘my car,’ my house.’

One of the women I spoke to about this issue said earning more would make the woman lose all respect for her husband which would eventually affect the marriage . I immediately asked her, ‘Why should she lose respect for her husband?’

The word of God reads, “Who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?” (1Corinthians 4:7) (NIV)

Indeed, what do we have which has not been given to us by God?  Whenever the wife earns more than her husband, it is by God’s grace! And who knows, maybe for this reason she has been put in that place: to complement the efforts of her husband in her God-given role as a ‘help meet,’ that is, a helper that is suitable for her husband.

In Esther 4:14, the Scripture says, “For if you remain completely silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise … from another place … Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?” (NKJV)

A wife who has more money should support her husband and family. At the time my husband and I were starting out, I sponsored and bought most of the things we had. And I am sure many people before me have done likewise, and many more will still support their husbands.

Why do you need to support him? Because marriage is a union of two people. You are married to him to provide that part of him that may not be there at present, realising too that no condition is permanent, as positions could be reversed as God wishes! You married him as the solution to that God-observed gap of loneliness which could be financial, physical or emotional. You should be friends, and friends support each other. Don’t let money destroy your marriage; rather use money and other resources to save it. Remind yourself regularly that money should not be an issue. Let it make no difference to your marriage; if something needs to be done, let it get done without looking around or thinking of what your husband is doing or bringing into the family.

A wife who is in a better financial position should watch her attitude and manners because it is possible to begin to react negatively (and hence, seemingly proudly) each time her husband or her family makes demands on her. She should not think that her husband is trying to take advantage of her. Instead, she should see what she can do to better empower her husband. While she’s at it, she should also encourage and let him know he is still loved and appreciated for what he does for the family. Additionally, the woman should try to keep things balanced in her family. She should not allow her job to take precedence over her family and if her husband is doing things that upset or discourage her, then it’s time for them to talk.

For husbands

Don’t feel bad, threatened, insecure or resentful towards your wife if she earns more than you. Some men feel threatened to the extent that they suspect or even accuse their wives of having extra marital affairs, and whenever she returns home late, she’s in trouble. There was an instance of a wife who kept telling her husband that she could never cheat on him but he didn’t believe her, and he beat her up several times simply because he was jealous of her success. Such reaction is both demeaning and absolutely wrong! He should see her achievement as a good thing and be happy for her, support her and enjoy what they have together. If she hasn’t changed, there is no reason for you to change. But if you think she’s behaving in a way you don’t like, then talk to her about it.

For couples

Couples in this situation should embrace dialogue. They should talk, talk and talk! They should discuss and agree on how they can work together to improve their lot and keep the family happy and running smoothly. Some of the issues to be discussed should include: (1) Whether or not he needs to get a better job, and (2) What should be the areas of responsibility of each party, in regards to meeting the financial needs of the family? (3) How can they have a good relationship? (4) Has either of them changed since she began to earn more than the man?

They should also focus on their marriage, loving each other and doing things that would make them happy. If they can’t agree, they should go for counselling because there is no reason for the marriage to end in divorce or not work.

How to handle past hurts

By: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi

E-mail:info@pastortaiwoodubiyi.org.uk

As Fred and his wife, Moni got down from their car, they saw Onome. She was on her way out.

Moni said hello and involuntarily looked at Fred. He greeted Onome briefly and followed Moni into their apartment.

Moni remembered the past and all the pain came over her again. As she entered the room,she determined she would not allow her emotions to colour her mood.She would not let her feelings show to Fred. She entered the kitchen and cooked. Afterward, they sat at the table and began to eat together.

Fred was making conversations, and Moni answered quietly, without laughing much. He Raised his eyes to look at her once, sensing that her mood seemed to have changed. What could the problem be? Or could it be his imagination?

Moni struggled to push the pain away. She had to. Fred was making efforts these days to love her and she must encourage him. She noticed that he had finished the juice in his glass cup. “Do you want me to pour more juice for you?” She asked nicely.

He nodded, “Yes,thank you.”

As she quietly sat with him later to watch TV, she felt the issue of the past was something she would have to bear alone and she prayed that God would help her overcome it.

Fred eventually asked, “Are you very happy?”

“Yes,” she tried to smile. How could she be sure it was really over between Fred and Onome?

“You seem a little withdrawn.”

She shook her head.“There’s nothing.”

“There’s nothing as in – there’s really nothing or there’s nothing as in – leave me alone?”

She kept quiet.

“Let’s go in.”He told her quietly.

She followed him into the bedroom.

Behind closed doors, he held her strong. “If there’s anything at anytime, I wantus to discuss it. We should clarify issues as soon as possible;that’s what the pastor said. And if I seem to be forgetting my promises, I want you to remind me.”

Should she mention the real issue? She began to think. He sensed her hesitation and asked, “Are you thinking about something?”

She shrugged,“Well, it’s just that seeing Onome now brought the past back to my memory.” There, she had said it.

He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry.” ……

…… It’s just that the pain comes sometimes and refuses to go away. The same thing happened when I saw her last week.”

He tightened his arms around her.

She really needed to be reassured so she asked softly, “Is it really over between you?”

(Excerpts from ‘Tears On My Pillow’)

As I have said several times and mentioned in my novels and the book ’30 Things Wives Do That Hurt Their Husbands’, there are principles to be followed to have a healthy, good and lasting relationship. These Principles are biblical.

One of these principles is that offenses should be forgiven and forgotten, which means that it should not be brought up again especially if your spouse has apologised for it. One of the Biblical Scriptures for this principle is 1Corinthians 13:5

Love does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. (1Corinthians13:5 NIV)

Some people like referring to the past, quoting date, time, statements and names, to score points. Some others refer to the past because they have not forgiven their spouses for the offenses. Whatever the case may be, it is better not to bring it up again; let the sleeping dog lie, especially if the incident was in the past.

If you have a fresh issue with your spouse, keep to the facts of this particular issue as much as possible, and refrain from referring to the past or the past misdeed especially if he or she has apologised and has stopped doing it or it’s not likely it happens again. Bringing up the past shows that you are still dwelling on it, and of course, that could influence your attitude, affect the present and if not handled carefully could affect the future. This could prevent you and your marriage from moving forward.

In the story above, Moni was following this principle when she hesitated to bring up the issue of herhusband’s involvement with Onome, a fresh graduate.

The past misdeed should not be brought up especially in an argument. Don’t throw it at your spouse’s face.That will hurt and could get your spouse angry. It will not help matters, neither will it help your marriage or bring you closer toyour spouse.

A gentle answer turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1 NIV)

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.(Proverbs17:14 NIV)

Thinking about a past offense enlarges it in your mind. You cannot do anything about what has already happened. What you should do is pray about it,by asking God to heal your heart. Choose to forgive, choose to keep your home, let go of the past and don’t bring it up again.

When can the past hurt be broughtup?

There are times when bringing up the past will be considered to be necessary and okay, and in line with another principle of a successful and healthy relationship –Communication.

1. When it has injured your marriage

2. When it still hurts deeply

3. When it has not been dealt with

4. When it is still going on

5. When it can affect the future

6. When you have an understanding spouse who is willing to work through the issues with you

In the novel ‘Tears On My Pillow’, Moni still had doubts and concerns. She hesitated to bring it up and finally did because Fred showed sincere concern and she knew shecould discuss it with him. She did, and Fred assured her of   to their marriage. If Fred did not show care or concern,she wouldn’t have talked about it, but the doubts would have remained in her heart and might cause problems in future.

By: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi

Bible verses about strange women, for men to avoid being led astray by strange women, for wives to keep their husbands from strange women and adultery

In the Bible, the strange woman is a woman who is not the man’s wife. She is also said to be an immoral woman, an adulteress, a seductress, someone who has no regard for the commands of God.

In prayer, use the following Bible verses to keep your marriage from strange women. How? Example: To use the first verse ’Exodus 20:14′, a wife will pray, “My husband will not commit adultery.” While a man will pray, “I will not commit adultery.” They will work for you in Jesus name.

Read also the novels ‘ ‘Tears On My Pillow, Oh Baby!, and - Too Much Of A Good Thing (coming soon) to learn tips on how to keep your marriage from adultery and resolve conflicts. Don’t forget to share your testimonies with us.

•  You shall not commit adultery. (Exodus 20:14 NJKV)
• 11 Discretion will preserve you; Understanding will keep you, 16 To deliver you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words, (Proverbs 2:11,16 NKJV)
• 15 Drink water from your own cistern, And running water from your own well. 16 Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, Streams of water in the streets? 17 Let them be only your own, And not for strangers with you.
• 18 Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. 19 As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. 20 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress? (Proverbs 5:15-20 NKJV)
• 23 For the commandment is a lamp, And the law a light; Reproofs of instruction are the way of life, 24 To keep you from the evil woman, From the flattering tongue of a seductress. 25 Do not lust after her beauty in your heart, Nor let her allure you with her eyelids. (Proverbs 6:23-25 NKJV)
• 4 Say to wisdom, “You are my sister,” And call understanding your nearest kin, 5 That they may keep you from the immoral woman, From the seductress who flatters with her words. (Proverbs 7:4-5 NKJV)
•  25 Do not let your heart turn aside to her ways, Do not stray into her paths; (Proverbs 7:25 NJKV)
• You were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.(1 Corinthians 6:20 NIV)
• Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.(Hebrews 13:4 NIV)