The importance of sex in marriage

by: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi

Sex or love-making brings joy and a connection or a tie between a man and his wife. A good sex life can hold a marriage together. The more often the couple has sex, the stronger their marriage becomes. It makes a person feel loved, wanted and cherished. The person who enjoys regular sex will also be happy. He or she appears confident which will have a positive effect on the other things being done by the person. A sexually satisfied person is gentle and kind with the spouse. For example, a satisfied husband will want to be generous and satisfy his wife just as she has been satisfying him.

Turning down one’s spouse is bad enough but some people have taken it a step higher – starving their spouses of sex for a period of time, (sometimes it’s indefinitely) as a form of protest. Of course, these people will have their reasons for the protest but is this method of conflict resolution right or wrong? To answer this question, let’s consider the following: God’s opinion about sex and the dangers of starving one’s spouse of sex.

God’s opinion about sex in marriage

2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.

3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband.

4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. (1Corinthians 7:2-5) (NKJV) 

 What exactly is God saying here?

Verse 2 – to avoid sexual immorality, people should get married and have sex regularly as sex is good and right in marriage.

Verse 3 – married couples’ responsibility toward meeting their spouse’s sexual need is clear – you should give or provide sex to your spouse. It is something that is required of every married person, it should be done, it’s not optional. As a married man or woman, your spouse should receive sex from you. Going by this, it means sex should not be used as a gift for good behavior or weapon of war or punishment. It is your duty, it should not be withheld or taken away from your spouse.

Verse 4 – The man and the woman should realize that their bodies belong not only to them but to the spouse. As such, the man or woman should consider the spouse’s opinion and feelings. When it comes to marriage, it is no longer about ‘me and what I want’, it’s about pleasing each other and meeting each other’s needs.

Verse 5 – other words for deprive according to Thesaurus are: deny, rob, withdraw, take away. And so, in this verse God is saying – do not deny, rob, withdraw or take away from your spouse what belongs to him or her.  By saying no or withholding sex from your spouse, you are cheating that person and that’s not fair. If you will not have sex, you need to discuss your reason and agree with your spouse. You shouldn’t decide on your own. And the abstinence should be for a short time, as agreed by both of you.

But then, God has also made it clear that only one reason is good enough to stay away from sex in marriage – and that is when you are fasting and praying. Even this should be for a period of time as agreed by both of you. If a spouse is usually tired or busy or works long hours, that person has to adjust his or her programs as soon as possible so as to have time for sex with spouse. In marriage, excuses of tiredness and work are not tenable as pleasing the spouse must be a priority.

We are left in no doubt as to why husbands and wives should not say no to sex but satisfy each other’s sexual needs – to avoid temptation by satan and their flesh due to lack of self control.

What could happen if a spouse is being starved of sex on purpose?

Where a woman feels pushed to the extent of starving her spouse of sex to protest or resolve issues, this is definitely an indication that some things are not in place in the marriage. Saying no to sex will compound the problems, further weakening the marriage.

The partner who is being denied of sex feels highly frustrated and angry. This can damage the marriage in more ways that one. It will affect other areas of the marriage, which in turn will make the couple not to want sex, and they continue to drift apart. Even physical contacts will be avoided, they stop kissing, hugging and sleeping in the same bed. The tendency is to avoid or stay away from a person who hurts you. They stop spending time together. They quarrel more, snap at each other, criticize and are hostile.

If issues are not resolved quickly enough, it could lead to extra-marital affairs, separation or worse still, divorce.