A look at Ladi’s face told the pastor that there was a problem. “How is your wife? I’ve not been seeing her in church.”

“Yes Pastor. She has not been regular, that is why I’m here.”

Taking a deep breath, the pastor said, “That’s unlike her. What’s wrong?”

Ladi didn’t know how to start.

The pastor encouraged him, giving him an extremely steady gaze. Ladi saw sympathy in his eyes and that gave him courage.

He began soberly, “We’ve been having some issues between us, and last week I came into the room to find her moving her things into the guest room…..”

“Hmm. Some things have definitely gone wrong. What was the last straw that broke the camel’s back? Did you have an argument that particular day?” The pastor asked.

Ladi squeezed his face a little, trying to remember. “Not really. It was her birthday and -”

The pastor raised a finger up to stop him. “And what did you buy for her?” He asked, placing his elbows on the table.

“Er …  well, I actually forgot -”

“You forgot? Which day was it?”

“Thursday.”

“And since then, you haven’t given her anything, right?”

“I offered to write her a cheque but she told me she would tear it up!”

The pastor smiled, “Hmm, I would probably do the same thing given the same circumstance. What happened last year?”

“I gave her a gift.” Ladi said.

“On the particular day?”

Ladi’s face fell. “Not really. I didn’t have time to go to the stores. I gave her the gift a week after.”

“Hmm.” The pastor breathed in thoughtfully. “Let me ask another question. How is your love life?”

“Non – existent.”

“I guessed as much. Have you tried to find out from her how you have offended her?”

“Several times but she refused to talk…..”

“When a woman is not talking, that means a lot is wrong. It means she is bitter, she is giving up. For instance, there was a time I came home from church, my wife laid the table, served my food, and did all the necessary things but I sensed that something was wrong, because she was just coo…ool.” He gesticulated with his hands.

The pastor continued, “And to confirm it, after getting everything ready, she headed straight for the bedroom. I could have reacted in a lot of ways, but you know what, I left my food without eating it, and went to her in the bedroom. She didn’t want to talk as many women would do. She resisted, told me nothing was wrong but I persisted gently. I encouraged her to speak her mind and finally she did. It was a statement I made in the morning about her hair that had upset her, a statement I had even forgotten I made. But imagine what that would have resulted into if we hadn’t resolved the conflict?” He paused again.

The pastor cleared his throat and went on. “Most of the problems couples have are not due to incompatibility, it’s not because God is not involved, although that may be the reason in some cases, but most of them are as a result of accumulated offences not cleared out. The wife feels offended, she remains silent. The next day, another thing happens to hurt her feelings, and that too is not cleared.” He paused again.

“Little by little the offences pile up and she begins to withdraw from the person she believes is hurting her. She doesn’t want any contact with that person and that is why when there’s conflict between a husband and his wife, sexual contact breaks. The offended person avoids being touched, the gap widens and eventually they get separated or worse still – divorced.”

The pastor paused to allow the words to sink before he continued, “I need to know first, if you really want to save your marriage and have your wife back, because if you’re not serious or you don’t want her anymore, praying with you or telling you steps to take won’t work.”

“I guess I want to save my marriage…..”

“First, you need to realise that you have contributed to your marital problems. Find out ways you have offended her and apologise, and whenever you sense there is a problem, immediately clear it out with her, don’t leave it for days. This is what you need to do to have her back.”

“Is that all? And everything will be alright?”

“That’s what you have to do to have her back, but to keep her and maintain love and unity between you, other actions must be added. I will give you twenty points. There are more but these will suffice for now. Tell her you love her often – buy her surprise gifts from time to time – let her know she’s important to you – do things together - compliment her often – discuss with her regularly – listen and value what she tells you – when you need to correct her, do it with tenderness, don’t put her down – learn to touch or hold her close without necessarily wanting sex – her birthday and other special occasions should not be forgotten – let her know she is needed by you …..”