By: Pastor Taiwo Odubiyi

E-mail: info@pastortaiwoodubiyi.org.uk

 “I met him through a friend about three months ago, and we seemed to hit it off well. He’s a Christian like me and I really like him. For about two weeks, we called each other. He would call me and I would call him. Then I suddenly realised that he had stopped calling me, and I was the one doing all the calling and text messaging. The first time I asked him about it,he said he was busy at work. About ten days after, I brought it up again because I didn’t see any noticeable change. I made him know how I felt, I told him I was concerned and that in a normal relationship,we should be calling each other. He said he knew that. There hasn’t been any change, and I don’t believe his excuse about being busy. I’m also busy but I create time for him. I haven’t been in touch with him for a week now, and he has not called me. What do you think is wrong?Why does he not call me?” (Bi)

 Why does he not call me?

 This is one of the questions I’m often asked. A lady meets a man, likes him, they begin to see each other but soon, the man cools off and she discovers she’s the only one doing all the calling him and running around, although when she calls him, he’s nice and pleasant. And maybe she visits him sometimes in the office. When she complains, he tells her he’s very busy. The lady begins to wonder what is the problem is. She can’t figure him out. Upset and a little confused, she makes excuses for him – yes,he must be very busy … too busy to call me. Soon, the lame excuses for his actions give way to real concern – Why does he not call me?What is going on?

Too busy to call you, for weeks?And you are in a relationship, going steady? Excuse me! Or maybe you met him recently. Well, the same thing applies, if he likes you, he will call you. If he doesn’t look for you, then he doesn’t care enough. And take this from me, ladies, you deserve better than a man who cannot take a minute to call you and say hello. And men, this relationship principle works both ways. If a lady does not care about you, you are better off without her.

 What is going on?

Well, the only thing going on is that the man is not really interested in you but he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. For many men, if they find they are not really interested in a lady after some level of friendship has been established, they don’t really want to tell her, and they may choose the easy way out by reducing contact with her. He can’t tell you but he’s showing you in his actions. He probably has another lady he’s considering or he is changing his mind about you for some reasons,but the point is that he’s not really interested in you anymore. As I mentioned in 30 things husbands do that hurt their wives, men like to pursue and win. If they want something, they know what to do and how to get it.

I have preached several times on the language of love. Love is not silent, it speaks. And when it does, you hear it clearly because it is loud enough. There’s no ambiguity. You know what love wants and where it’s going. Just as faith without works is dead, love works, and the works can be clearly seen.

 As the Bible mentioned in 1 Samuel and I wrote in the novel What changed you? (The story of David and Michal), Michal loved David.

 Michal was lying down, with her eyes closed. Soon, her mind went to David and she wondered where he was and what he was doing. Since the day she first saw him, she had not been able to stop thinking of him. Was she with the king, playing music for him at the camp? Or with the sheep? Or with a beautiful young lady? Since Saul and his men went to the camp more than forty days ago, David had not come to the palace.It was funny though but she missed seeing him. 

She had come to realise that her feelings for David were growing daily. This thought made her smile.Repositioningherself, she wondered – Why do I like him? She began to think of the reasons. One, he was strong, yet gentle. Two, he had a smile and mannerism that did funny things to her heart which she would not be able to explain even if her life depended on it…. (excerpts from What changed you?)

Love also does not need to be taught what to do. It knows what to do, and it’s always working, thinking of how else to express itself. People around can also see and hear it. People knew that Michal loved David and they told King Saul, her father.

“Now Michal, Saul’s daughter,loved David. And they told Saul, and the thing pleased him.” (1 Samuel 18:20)

 A person in love knows what to do, and if a person is not really interested in a relationship, they show it or look for excuses.

 In Love on the Pulpit (one of my novels), when Mr. Dawodu told Teni about his nephew, Olamide, Teni was not interested. Mr. Dawodu’s nephew? Oh, pleaseeee!

 And when Olamide called her, she told him, “Er … I’m very busy.”

 “Oh, Teni, you can’t tell me you’re always busy, with never a free moment.”

 “It’s hard to believe but I really don’t have a free time.” She insisted. She even told him she was in a relationship, (with Jesus!) to put him off.

 He called her again after some days and she gave the same excuse.

Some weeks after, she attended a party and met a guy she liked, Dave. Dave recognised her but kept silent. When she later realised that Olamide was Dave, she was both shocked and happy. She called him in the office. And when he asked her out, she accepted immediately. No more excuses.

 What to do

To answer your question, Bi,you have clearly shown this man that you really like him and would want to continue your relationship with him. You have also told him how you feel about his not calling you. And now, you have not called him for a week and he has not bothered to call you. That is not normal. Things don’t work that way. To have a healthy and balanced relationship, the two people have to care and work on it. If he doesn’t call you soon, then you have your answer – he is no longer interested in the relationship for reasons best known to him. Simple.If you’re on his mind and he really cares, he will get in touch with you, he will find a way to get in touch with you, trust me.

 And don’t think you will lose him by not calling him. It doesn’t seem to me that you have him yet. Many ladies get abused, maltreated and disrespected in their relationships because they make themselves seem desperate and cheap. I tell my children, “Don’t be easy and don’t play hard to get, be hard to get!” If a man loves you enough and God is involved, he will come after you and win your love. If a man does not pursue you now or think you are worth some of his time at this level of the relationship, there is no guarantee that things will improve with time. You may hear some people say that their men were like that:they were not calling them, the men did some terrible things and probably cheated on them with other ladies but they stayed with the men and endured their ways, and with time, things improved, they got married and now they are happy. Well, I can assure you that such cases are not the norm, and that happens in probably two out of hundred cases.

Bi, you have done enough as it is:calling and doing all the work, which is one-sided. What you need to do now is wait and let him decide whether or not he wants to be with you. Meanwhile, pray and trust God for the best. If the man gets in touch with you and tells you things will improve, fine. If not, then move forward and trust God to bring another person who will love you as you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be with a man who loves and respects you, a child of God who wants to be with you and will make efforts to show it.