As Ann turned to walk back to her seat, Emma suddenly got up and stood in the middle of the room. Ann stopped.

“Come here!” He barked.

“No!”

“I said come here!” He insisted.

“No! You shouldn’t talk to me like that!”

He walked toward her and said, “I’ll talk to you the way I like!” He pushed her back and she fell on the sofa. “Who was that man?”

“If you touch me again, I’ll call my uncle!” Ann told him.

“Who was that? …

… “Emma, I don’t think we are compatible.” She said.

“Ann, it’s not an issue of compatibility. It’s an issue of behaviour. This is the second time you would do something wrong. We are not yet married and you’re making me doubt you.”

“I haven’t done anything wrong! … I haven’t cheated on you … I’m surprised you’re pushing and threatening me already when I haven’t even agreed to marry you.”

He calmed down. “I’m sorry.”

“You have anger problem, Emma. I think you should handle that first before talking about marriage.” She told him.

He looked a little shame-faced. “I’m dealing with it. You can be sure it won’t happen again.”

“So you said the other time.”

“Ann, I don’t just lose my temper. Something triggers it off … You won’t see my temper again if you don’t give me any reason to doubt you.” He told her. “Try to understand me and there won’t be any problem again.” …

“… Was there any time you hit your ex-girlfriend?”

He cut her off. “That’s not relevant to our discussion.”

“It is. You said we should try to know each other’s likes and dislikes. I’m trying to know more about you so I can avoid things that could upset you.” She explained.

He shrugged. “Well, maybe it happened once. She knew the things I didn’t like but kept on doing them.”

She had her answer. He hit the lady. Noted.

… Ann told Mrs. Noah. “Emma has anger problems … What should I do?”

“I won’t tell you what to do but I’ll tell you this, men who hit their wives don’t usually change. The reason they don’t change is because they see the other person as the one at fault. They say they are provoked and make excuses for their behaviour … If he’s treating you like this now, how do you think he would treat you in marriage?”

I’m dealing with this issue not to condemn the men who have anger issues or have been abusive to their partners because really, Jesus makes the difference and without Him we can do nothing. There is hope for them and for those women who are abusive.

This is to open the eyes of the single ladies out there: who are in abusive relationships but don’t even know; and those who know but don’t know how to handle it. As I pointed out in the novel, men who hit their wives or partners don’t usually change because they don’t see what they are doing wrong. Some of them realise they are wrong but are unwilling to change, making excuses for their abusive behaviour.

Is it possible to know before marriage that a man is abusive? Yes. What are the warning signs? There are many tell-tale signs of an abuser but I’ll give you ten which I mentioned in the novel Oh Baby. If ladies would be careful, pray and pay close attention to the signs, they would know an abuser before getting deeply involved.

1) He has anger problem, loses his temper quickly.

2) When angry, he is violent. He may beat on the table with his fist, throw or break things.

3) He tries to control you by telling you that if you do what he wants, there won’t be any problem. In the novel, Emma told Ann, “Try to understand me and there won’t be any problem again.”

4) He blames you or says it’s your fault that he loses his temper or is abusive. Such men usually say, “You provoked me,” “You caused it,” “You made me do it.”

5) He hit a girlfriend in the past and he says she made him do it.

6) You’re concerned about what he will say or how he will act in response to what you do or say.

7) He is unnecessarily jealous. With so much anger, he accuses you of cheating on him without reason; and wants to know where you are coming from.

Making excuses for his behaviour, he promises to change but doesn’t.

9) To control and make you submit to him, he threatens you. He may say, “I’ll slap you,” “I’ll kill you.”

10) He pushes, slaps or hits you.

Now ladies, if a man pushes, slaps or hits you when you are not even married to him, how do you think he would treat you in marriage? If a man does not respect you in public, how do you think he would treat you behind closed doors? Some women knew before marriage that their men were violent and abusive yet went ahead to marry them, hoping that marriage would change them but it did not. The truth is that no one has the power to change another person, only God can, and if abuse occurs during courtship, it will likely continue into marriage unless there’s an intervention.